A Mean Disguise

This pandemic keeping us separated

I ain’t see y'all in a damn minute

I hoped to see y’all sooner,

But the prediction of this intervention was a damn figment 

We ain’t talk in a bit.

Sadly life has been hittin’

And it kept diggin’ with a

Planted foot with a grand pivot

Like the pandemic’s hands are different

Leaving marks, 

Each scar having a backstory 

Handwritten 

I always say life is a bitch

But it managed to turn me into its damn vixen.

I ain’t see my baby in a while

like I lost a custody battle 

No domestic visits.

In the first week I lost somebody

Jelani

Still hasn’t adjusted in my mind

I saw him 5 days before he died 

We saw each other, caught up, saying hi

Like Lil cousin I ain’t see in a long time

Jelani off the back seemed fine

But depression knows how to put on a mean disguise

Until the damage is done

Come to find out he committed suicide

In tears, crying.

I understood life put you in a position of do or die 

I didn't think it would be our last but

I was just happy that my last words were i love you

And goodbye.

I was with my partner.

I had to keep it real with them,

I said, “bae, 

I don’t know how imma get through this alone.

I’m keeping a grasp on life,

I’m losing my touch and

It’s hard for me to hold.

Depression got me unsteady

I already smell the fear of being alone

I’m losing hope already.

I can see my name,

Sunrise and sunset

In stone.”

Bae said

“You’re not alone,

Don’t act like I ain’t with ya,

If getting through this

is hard for you to envision,

You better paint the picture.

I need you to be my light

And I’ll be yours

Through the dark of devastation

This might be a long journey,

You are the pinpoint

Of my destination.”

We Quarantined 

Stay that ass in the house, 

keep ya distance 

I know it’s harder than it seems.

But it’s the least we could do, 

we need to fix this.

Do you see the amounts of people contracting this?

It’s hard to miss it,

Playing spades with a bad deck,

Meaning this is hard to deal with.

6 feet away at all times.

No physical contact, or you’re bound to get it

Lose the battle,

 and six feet under is where you’ll be admitted.

I said before,

Isolation is supposed to save my life 

I’m losing my touch

And it’s hard to grip it.

Cases are rising.

But the way suicide looking,

Covid ain’t the only rising statistic.

But y’all want me to be specific,

Being at home

Spent some time in a twilight

Down bad in a different zone.

Everyday I stayed to myself,

Always in my room.

I was low, waist deep

Beyond the fruit of the loom,

I wanted to tell my mother,

But if I said anything

she’d think I was being dramatic,

I gave my sister

A penny for my thought, 

but she denied the transaction.

When my mental health was 

denied it was hard for me to register. 

I’m a theater major,

I know that acting is one my x factors 

Because everyday 

I put on an act that I was okay, 

But sometimes, 

You can hear the turbulence in my vernacular 

but anxiety knows how to get on my bad side

It knows how to take me out of my character.

I tried using the utilities to cope

But the tools fail me.

Everyday my mind stayed trigger

Like my anxiety kept the block heavy.

Scared, to express my feelings

So I shed my tears internally.

I had ice in my veins,

Life was salt bae with the flick of wrist

Started burnin’ me.

Happiness cost a lot but

Depression could get you hurt for free.

Made me feel like a bad Bargain.

I tried to put value in myself,

But I had no worth in me.

Me and hope was butting heads,

They be ready to leave me,

It was Pennywise,

I thought they was giving me what I desired the most,

But just ended up deceiving me...